another sleepless night

i wonder which is the worst part of death: the physical pain of it, your heart slowly beating less and less, your lungs gasping for a breath; knowing you’re slipping away from life and knowing you can’t do a damn thing about it; or looking back and regretting past actions and wasted times. the solution to the latter relates to living a happy life (however difficult and diverse that may be) or feeding yourself the idea of a glorified afterlife, the welcoming gates of heaven, the mystical reincarnation, the white, puffy clouds galore. as an agnostic and skeptic, i can’t depend on wishful thinking, so my only escape from a sad death is to live life to its fullest– in a reasonable and possible manner. because we all know if that were true, most people would– at least i think they would– sin frantically, create chaos, and drown themselves in alcohol and liquor. but hey, some sayings are more true than others. life is what you make of it and death is inevitable. so you can’t really complain. you’re simply given life, whether you like it or not, whether you view it as a gift or a curse, and who’s to blame if you choose to shove it behind your sock drawer and come across it when it’s already a little too late. everyone wants to die in a warm bed, tucked under the sheets, surrounded by a loving family celebrating your life as opposed to mourning your death. everyone wants to die peacefully of old age, when your body can no longer support your soul. but reality is we thrust open our doors to the frightful cloaked man holding a scythe and lose our lives to disease, cancer, accidents, violence, you name it. we jump in the car for a drive rather than take a brisk walk around the neighborhood. we stuff our faces with mass produced bags of chips and artery clogging burgers of fat. we spend countless hours in front of a television set and a computer screen. is all this short-lived happiness a deceiving illusion that’ll eventually pile up and reveal its true form decades later? is what we find ourselves doing time after time worth the consequences we’ll eventually come face to face with? i don’t know. looking at the big picture, i suppose not. i mean, tons of things seem worthless at one point, yet worth the effort and sweat at another. you can weigh it out. is smoking habitually worth the health risks? is studying endlessly worth the loss of time? is eating unhealthy worth the flabby body? is pondering life in general worth the confusion? i guess it always varies from person to person, time to time. and all this ramble began with a simple question.


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