mariah carey – bye bye
up until december of last year, i’ve prided (sounds like the wrong word, but no, it’s really how i felt) myself, feeling lucky and incredibly thankful, yet naive and somewhat inexperienced, in that i never knew death. i never attended a funeral, never really knew anyone who had died. at night, sometimes i’d prepare myself to lose baby in 8 or 10 years, when i’d be settling into the real world, newly wedded, possibly with a kid on the way. so it took me off guard when my dad had his second stroke and we took him off life support a few days later. i’m not sure how i handled it, if it was normal. i felt afraid, shocked, upset. i guess with most events like these, families become closer, talk to each other a little bit more. it’s hard to describe how it feels to lose someone. you feel lost, empty, in disbelief that it’s just over and slowly accepting, or never, that they won’t be coming back.

i’m not sure if anyone noticed, but it happened the day after my birthday. i sometimes wonder if i’ll breakdown next year, the year after that, or every year. i wonder if maybe i would have planned for a family dinner, it wouldn’t have happened. if he’d feel a little more like family, a little less depressed.